Mr. Bellpond's Masterpiece

The director actually isn’t here, so no matter what, you’re not as bad as him. -Bree

Either way would work, as long as I have more than . . . 6 hours to do it. –DJB

If you have, like, SAG-y questions . . . –DJB

Any other questions, cast-y or SAG-y? -Kody

Not everyone in this room wants to be a director. But a lot of you do. –Todd

Sometimes I’m just a little too weird, and things don’t work out. –Todd

I’m sick of this low-budget movie crap. I work on REAL movies. –Shiloh

He has this love life with his honey bear, Yuridia. –Todd

There’s a really complicated thing going on, so let’s not love the house. –Bree

Is there anything you can’t do? -Shiloh

Give birth. And ski. –DJB

I like that guy. He sort of embraced his effeminate nature. –Todd

As interesting as the back of Todd’s head is . . . –Shiloh

He’s crying cuz it hurts. And he’s a wimp. –Todd

I don’t know what word to use. A slow . . . –Todd

Descent? -Shiloh

A slow descent. That’s a good word. –Todd

I love the jacket. And the pants. The jacket/pants combo. –Todd

I can spoon. The end. –Emily

I think she’s got a good face that would cause heartbreak for 27 years. –Josh

In other words, she’s pretty. –Kelsie

We’ll have warnings. ‘You are entering a caffeine zone.’ -Will

Just cuz he’s dreaming doesn’t mean it didn’t happen when we’re filming. –Anna

In my day . . . –Todd

What are you, 80 years old? -MarSchelle

I think you have a good look for this show, with your Hamlet body and your wild hair. –Mariah

Music majors. They come with instruments. They’re like action figures. –DJB

Napkins? -Courtney

We have none. We’re dirty children. –Bree

Camera people, why are you whispering? -Bree

Todd, stop drinking before the meetings, please. I beg of you. –Courtney

I know it’s more fun, but have some decorum. –Bree

Fine them, find out what their allergies are, and then feed them that. –Todd

You complain about me being misogynistic, and then you say the most stereotypical Australian thing ever. –Kody

They weren’t nice to us, so they can suffer the consequences of being uncool. –Kody

I wanna have a bath with money. –Bree

Did she just say she wanted to take a bath in money? -Will

What are you laughing at? -Todd

Them. –Shiloh

What did you have to say, Todd? -Bree

I . . . forgot, actually. –Todd

Wear your CTR ring and figure it out yourself. –Kody

They will punch holes in the walls. Or, catch them on fire. –DJB

Just pretend we’re shooting in the MOA. –DJB

It’s as tall as two of me, at the highest. –Bree

Whoa. –Scott

Two Australians high. –Tess

Nobody spit in the water. –DJB

There’s an 80% chance that it’ll be cloudy or raining, because everytime I shoot outside it’s overcast. –Todd

For heaven’s sakes. This is a meeting. –

No laughing. This is not a place of happiness. This is a place of bitterness. –Bree

I can drive, I just don’t like driving. It’s like mashed potatoes. Unless they’re really good . . . –DJB

Are you a real Australian? -Ashley

No. I’m a Mexican. –Bree

I think we skipped B. –Kody

B is irrelevant. -Bree

My computer just decided it hates life. –Todd

We’re so club you can’t handle it. –Jared

Are we impressed by her? -Stephen Nelson

I think so. –Todd

Did you write this? -Stephen Nelson

You have extremely hairy fingers. –Jared

I have an extremely hair body. You should see my toes. –Paul

I’m only popular because people want my flashlight. -MarSchelle

I should stop being a compulsive liar, shouldn’t I. –Kelsey

I think Charlie’s a stupid name for a girl, but hey. I’m not the one pushing it out. –MarSchelle

You have an awesome shadow by the way. –Rob

I can’t see it. –

I swallowed it. –

. . . I’m leaving. –

Do you know why this flashlight is so special? -MarSchelle

Because you took it from the first man you killed? -

She’s a little loopy. –Todd about Bree

Just goes to show, if your kids have a speech impediment, fix it while they’re young. –Todd

You’re a machine. –Todd

I was back there on official business, I promise. –Anna

Yeah, she was. –Patrick

I heard a noise of joy from you, Anna. –Shiloh

Yes, you did. –Anna

Is that because your boyfriend’s gone, or because you found something? -Kelsie

Do you have Batman on your shoes? -Kody

Yes, I do. –Shiloh

I wouldn’t expect anything less of you. –Kody

You just have to talk to him like you’re better than him. –Bree

Sleep well, everyone. –Bree

*snort* -Shiloh

Don’t scoff at me. –Bree

Too late. –Shiloh

Hey, I’m ready for world domination. –Bree

I didn’t just say that out loud. –Anna

I’m a fun Christian. Unlike those boring Mormons. –Jace, mocking Mandy Moore

Here honey, have a music video. Happy birthday. –John

Welcome to teeney-bopper land. –John

I am well stocked on ibuprofen if you guys need any. –Shiloh

Epinephrine? -John

. . . Ibuprofen. –Shiloh

They don’t have grocery stores in Ogden. Or electricity. –Jake

Anything you do, even breathing, I can hear you. I can hear you think. I can hear your blood. –John

We need to get food for him. –Jace

You eat batteries? -Amy

Is that creamy? Or do you only have super chunky? -Kody

Creamy is for pansies. –Shiloh

Yeah. I’m a pansy. –Kody

May I pet your shoulders sometime? And by sometime, I mean right now. –Todd

Do you have something warm and juicy for my tummy? -Todd

I erased the label. –Bri

It was in marker. –Josh

I erased it with my tongue. –Bri

. . . That’s disgusting. –Josh

Bree, will you adopt me so you can sing me to sleep every night? -Josh

No. –Bree

I’m not pocket-literate. –David

Bree, your phone always scares me when it does that. It’s like an alien. –Josh

If I start swearing, will it make the quote book? -Tess

If I stop swearing, will it make the quote book? -Gary

If you stop swearing, what are you going to say? -Shiloh

He’s in the movie from the start to beginning. –Will

It’ll be ok, cuz one person will die, and the rest of us will get out. –Kody

Sometimes, I don’t mind the occasional sex scene. –Josh

I just want to hit him. And murder his kids. –Bri, quoting Jenny

Why can we not get going? -Todd

Where is T-to-the-E-to-the-double-S Kelly? -Kristen

You’re going nowhere. You aren’t going anywhere. –John

I feel like I’m being threatened. –Bri

We should make up a song. Hurry Up and Wait. –John

Every set has a theme song. Ours is a half hour long one about cats. –Kristen

Can you jump forward? -Todd

Ye-es. Yes, baby Jesus. –Scott

Ay-erm-de-bun-gae-gook, ropy. –Scott

Whoa, Todd’s in the shot! -Kody

Does he have to do that for the shot and he’s practicing, or is he just entertaining the people looking at camera? -Sarah

Is that the baby from Roger Rabbit? -Will

No. It’s actually a Chinese hip-hop group. –Gary

Yikes, you heifer. Did you hurt your bum? -Kelsie to Josh

You guys look really solemn back here. –Kody

Straddling doesn’t have to be sexual. –Gary

I didn’t make it sexual. –Kelsie

It’s just me being obnoxious. –Josh

Really? Is that what it is? -Shiloh

Turn that thing on. –Geoff

My foot’s broken now, but otherwise . . . –Kody

What? -Bri

Nothing. I was just staring at you. –Kody

I think I just slept a little bit on Shiloh’s arm. –Gary

It’s a good place to sleep. –Kody

Yeah. It’s nice and fleecy. –Gary

I have all sorts of things in my pockets. –Amy

Somebody’s been using our prop garbage as real garbage. –Todd

Bree, your phone is haunting. Every time it rings, it’s like, what’s gonna happen? -Josh

Stop f-in’ around, man! -Jace

I wasn’t f-ing around, I promise. –David

You’re useless man. You come to set and just sit around, and then you don’t know where Applebee’s is. –Kody

At 4am in the Cave, you start to go crazy. –Jace

I’m cold and I’m interested, so I look confused. –Jeff

I must be on another acid trip. –Jeff

The manager needs a kiss too. He takes 10% of everything , ha ha ha. . . . –Jeff

If you’re going to go British, you have to have someone get raped. I shouldn’t have said that. But that’s what I heard. –Jeff

Raped by humor. –Aurora

That is not what I heard you say. –Jeff

I will not die on my way to get medication! -John

I can’t wait to feel my toes again! -

I can’t wait to feel your toes again, too! -Jeff

I’m high on life! -John

Are you ready to spoon? -Jace

I am ready to spoon. It’s the whole reason I signed on for this movie. –Aurora

It’s hard to speak when you’re choking on a carrot. –Aurora

Can we make a trio out of this? -Nicki

Oh, I like this. –Josh

Todd’s in my way, as usual. –Josh

She’s spooning him. That’s why it’s funny. –Kody

Make it look like they’re bleeding on the bed. –Josh

It’s not a horror film. –Shiloh

Oh. That explains so much. –Josh

Kevin, your feet are like hands. –Todd

Let’s do another one. With even less suckiness. –Scott

Let’s go back to one and make one that doesn’t have any suckiness at all. –Scott

Spring Break 1884!! -Everyone

Is someone crying upstairs? -Kody

There’s no one upstairs. –Jeff

Mazda. Elegance for any time period. –Shiloh

Anytime you want to do me, you can come do me. –Bree

I always want to do you. –Shiloh

Did they crash? Was there an invasion from Japan or something? -Josh

You thought a wave of water was bad? Wait til you taste a wave of earth. A wave of mountain. –David

What if they just fell in? -Spencer

Svell in? -David

Everyone’s doin’ it. –John

What, standing in front of the craft table? -Shiloh

Oh, that was uncalled for. –John

Who lost their soul? Oh, and there’s a shoe thing here too. –John

I’m a method actor. I must be as cold as sin itself. –John

The only gloves I have that don’t have holes in the tips of the index fingers are leather. –Shiloh

Like. –Mallory

I feel like a rotisserie of chicken. –Mallory

Oreo? -Shiloh

I can’t. -John

Oh, you’re John. -Shiloh

Yeah. Ore-no! -John

I should move the fabric away from this. –Mallory

Yeah. Cuz it’ll catch on fire. Or melt. Or both. It’ll melt and then catch on fire. –Shiloh

And then I’ll catch on fire, which while it would keep me warm and you laughing . . . –Mallory

It would be hilarious. But I would be sad when you died. –Shiloh

Who said anything about dying? I could stop, drop, and roll down the hill. Or jump in the lake. –Mallory

But why would you want to survive it? I wouldn’t. If I caught on fire all over, I wouldn’t want to live through it. –Shiloh

No offense, but you look like a hobo writing down your memoirs. –Mallory

Why do you always fail Spencer? And yet everyone loves you. –Shiloh

I’m wondering that too. –Spencer

Ugh, I can’t write fast enough! -Shiloh

Hey, I sneezed on the coat. Can I keep it now? -Shiloh

No. And how does that even make sense? -Mallory

Hear hear! -Stephen Jones

Can we move that truck out of the shot please? -Kody

There’s no rage that I know

That can keep out boltin’ rhino. -Kelsey

If it’s under 2 million, I don’t want to do the investment. I want at least a 25% return. *pause* I know that’s crazy. Big risks get big rewards. –Stephen Jones

Critter, are you naked? -Emily

No. –Critter

I hate Remington. I’m going to put a pipe-bomb in his horse. –Critter

Is this a woman’s shirt? The buttons are on the wrong side . . . but it’s not . . cut . . . for boobs. –Critter

No lights, no problem. –Mallory

What did people do before opposable thumbs? -Emily

We gonna light it up like a crack pipe. –

They made my wardrobe area a set! What the heck? -Mallory

Scott had a problem getting the fog machine. –Kody

Of course he did. –Jace

What was that, Jace? -Scott

Just a giant shelf of a uni-boob. –Emily

That’s really a muscle. Not the four layers of clothes I’m wearing. –Mallory

If I lived in Egypt, I’d have to be a king or something. –Stephen Jones

Obviously. –Mallory

Are you calling me fat? -Mallory

This has taken a drastic turn, that I can’t win. –Critter

Quick Gary, say something interesting. –

2 plus 2 art 4. –Stephen Jones

That’s why I almost jumped off a bridge in Oregon. –Aaron

Don’t write that down. –Gary

Strategy! Make it strategy! -Emily and Critter

How do you spell that? -Stephen Jones

Act like a dove, Pillington! -Stephen Jones

Act like a dolphin, Pillington! -Stephen Jones

Unfortunately, there’s people like Scott in the audience. –Todd

*sobbing* I just wanted to dance. –Stephen Jones

D as in down syndrome. –Scott

Man, it’s like he’s drunk or something. –Stephen Jones

Mmrrmph! -Scott

Scott just pooed himself. –Todd

And he had a hard time doin’ it. –Kody

I haven’t seen so many crazy people since I was in New York. –Kody

Yeah, I had a lot of fun, but . . . the makeup girl swears a lot. –Kody’s girlfriend’s sister

This is the bitchin’ corner. –Will

I heard talking. –Kody

I’m the only one out here. –Will

But I heard talking. –Kody

I was talking to myself. –Will

Well, I still heard talking. Be quiet. –Kody

I’ll probably sleep with one of them in my sleeping bag tonight. No, I won’t. That’s weird. –

It is kind of a home video right now. It’s my home video. –Rob

He’s a terrible conductor! -Mallory

Todd is a gay Dutchman. –Amy

Did you build the set? -Spencer

Yeah, we built it from scratch. –Will

How cool do I look? -Joe

The flavor only lasts for three chews though. –Mallory

Best three chews of my life. –Candice

Hey, petting! -Todd

He went from classic trash to white trash, real fast. –John

Do not ever scissor your crotch. –Joe

Is that ASL for circumcision? -Scott

This is the new style. –Joe

Is it? -Jace

It’s the new old style. –Joe

When did this become socially acceptable? -Jace

I’m trying to make it socially acceptable. –Shiloh

Now I’m starting to know how my sister feels. I bite her all the time. –Jace

Who the heck is Cando? -Todd

Unless it’s a metaphor. And a lie. –Mallory

Shiloh! Stop biting people! -Ashley

The best way to describe it is the best/worst thing that’s ever happened to me. –Scott

I’m in the way again! -Mallory

Always, Mallory! -Candice

I need to do my job and do it right. For reals this time. –Mallory

I think we’re kinda screwed, but I always think that. –Kody

QUIET!! -Jace

Or Jace will kill you. –Kody

I will sass you if I want, girl. –John

I think his light has a hat . . . reverse that. His hat has a light. –Mallory

I just called your butt. –John

Booty call! -Candice

You both have that weird sarcastic humor, and you both hate life. And it’s a good height ratio. –Mallory

Run, gay Dutchman! -Mallory

C’mon guys. Everybody knows there’s no gay people in Dutchland. –Kody

What the freak are they doing? -Kody

Todd fell in. –Shiloh

Brand new bandanas. Very excited . . . I just realized how silly that sounded. –Shiloh

It will be a caravan. –Shiloh

All two of us . . . –Mallory

A procession of red cars! -Shiloh

With the two of us. –Mallory

A parade of scarlet-hued vehicles!! -Shiloh

It’s two cars! -Mallory

You guys are still awake? Naughty! -Amy

Either Rob’s building the house, or Kevin’s having some serious problems. –Mallory

It started out like a Disney movie and ended like porn! -MarSchelle

Canada’s not even a country! -Joe

Look at that one. It’s got so much crumbly crap! -Kevin

I was a dancer, and a cheerleader, and my mom made me play softball. –Ricki

Candice is not a Mexican. Candice is an American masquerading as a Mexican. She wishes she were Mexican. –Joe

I’ll go get the pigeons. –Amy

Normal is actually a setting on a washing machine. –Mallory

Wow, that was awesome! It was like I was in a nuclear holocaust. –Joe

The pigeons get very naughty up here. –Amy

Chip dance? -Candice

We made Jesus white, I’m sure we can make Arabian Nights white. –Stephen Nelson

Another racist comment from someone from Bakersfield. –Candice

This is great Geoff, but can you put your arm in the sling? -Todd

People up here are snobby and weird. –Will

Sometimes people don’t get my jokes. –Amy

Can I at least be your head minion? -Mallory

Maybe you can. –Shiloh

It depends on how this day goes. –Kody

Quick as bunnies. –MarSchelle

Can we get the missionaries in this shot? -Kody

I really want to see the shot. –Kody

Well, you can’t. –Shiloh

Thank you, Captain Obvious. –MarSchelle

Heh heh, we’re getting’ kinda cozy here. –Todd

It always happens eventually. –Shiloh

We’re gonna put little collars on them and whenever they walk off, we’re gonna shock them. –MarSchelle

It doesn’t look like he hit his head. –Scott

Yes, it does! -Geoff

He’s the TA I didn’t marry. –Amy

I knew you were a vampire. –Stephen Nelson

Holding for craft. –Stephen Nelson

We’re gonna close this for a minute. –Amy

Could you guys keep it G-rated on set please? Gosh! -Shiloh

You’re leaving tomorrow. –Kody

*through the door* You have half an hour! –Stephen Nelson

Talk about a quickie. –Kody

*raucous laughter*

I think that’s a little long for Todd anyway. –Kody

Ok, we’re done. –Amy

*lots and lots of very loud laughter*

Candice is going to pray in her native tongue. Pig Latin. –Joe

Candice is going to pray in some strange Indian dialect. –Stephen Nelson

You know how I knew it was you? -Mallory

Huh? -Shiloh

You touched me. –Mallory

Noodles! -Stephen Nelson

I love making food for large amounts of people who aren’t going to say thank you. –Stephen Nelson

Stephen’s a comedian from Hell. –Scott

Hands on a camera! -David

Hands on a dance belt. –Scott

John did try to kill me in my sleep last night. –Kody

What? -John

You don’t remember? -Kody

Ashley Powell’s back! Go get some pasta, you Rastafarian. –Candice

Drugs are for hippies. –Joe

That could be an ad campaign. –Will

Amy, why are you always in my way? -Shiloh

My fist was just practicing. –Amy

I just walk around set sometimes and I go, ‘how the hell did this happen?’ -Amy

Are you gonna call me when you get engaged? -David

Absolutely. –MarSchelle

I’m gonna teach you everything about it. –David

You do realize you’re gonna have seven kids before I call you. –MarSchelle

Hand sanitizer, where is it? -Kody

Behind the salad dressing. –Shiloh

Careful. If you relax too much, you’ll wet your pants. –Mallory

Wow, David, you shouldn’t whisper dirty things into my ear when they’re rolling! -MarSchelle

Leave my one friend alone, you butt-butts! -Joe

I’m sorry, I was hanging out a window. –David

What’s on a dimmer? -David

My hopes and dreams. –Joe

If you give me attitude three more times . . . –Scott

I have three more times? -Joe

There’s no makeup on the clock, so we’re good on this one. –Kody

That 2am chitchat is finally catching up. –Candice

It’s like it’s daytime. –John

Maybe cuz it is? -Shiloh

Ooh, it’s warm. –Mallory

A sack full of flour? That doesn’t make any sense at all. –Boston

Get out of my mind. –Ashley

There’s not room enough for both of us in there . . . my mind, or yours? -Shiloh

I like that one. –Boston

WT heck? -Boston

From here on out, I will greet you by your first name. –Steven Roper

Well, that’s what I was planning on doing. –Todd

Oh really? Well, that makes me have a burning sensation in my crotch. –Scott

Yeah, this would hurt if I was a guy. –MarSchelle

What’s in my car? Condoms? Yes. –MarSchelle

Get the C-stand out, cuz it sucks. –David

Sucks what? -MarSchelle

Everything. –David

We don’t have the budget to set his hand on fire. –Kody

My lame quota just went up by 1,000. –Ashley

I’m the ladder man. –Eric

Our rent-a-2^nd-AD was sleeping. What do you expect? -Stephen Nelson

Stop looking at me and whispering! -Kody

Hey Geoff, are you ok? Do you need anything? -Shiloh

No, let’s just do this. –Geoff

Did we get matches yet? -Todd

You should’ve gone to Matchbox 20. –Scott

Hey guys, we should get a matchmaker on this set. –Kody

Hot stuff comin’ through. –Eric

Liar. –Shiloh

I think there’s a WWIII going on inside my stomach. –Mallory

No MarSchelle, I’m not in the mood for more snacks! -Stephen Nelson

All the guys in my department are either gay or attached. –Shiloh

Or both. –Mallory

I am the 5^th wheel out of the three of us. -Shiloh

How do you say it in English? -Scott

You . . . don’t speak any foreign languages. –Kody

Cheese-face beater. –Candice

Who eats strawberry cheesecake? -Shiloh

*Mallory licks plate enthusiastically*